To say I have a good relationship with medication would be a lie.
Since being put on medication for my [1st diagnoses] Anxiety and, Depression in 2013, I have been on and off of my medication several times.
This is actually not uncommon for those who experience mental health, especially for individuals diagnosed with a mental illness.
Medication can be tricky. There is finding the right medication for each individual (who is in need of medication assistance), taking medication as a daily routine, and even battling the stigma around taking medication for mental health.
. . .
My journey with medication has been up and down… for me, it hasn’t been easy to stay on them. Stopping my medication *cold turkey* was always a form of self punishment– if you will, self-destruction as I call it. When first coming off my medication, I “feel” in-control, with everything– how I felt, how I acted; I felt like I didn’t even need the medication anymore…and believe me, that is false.
Usually after being off of the medication for a month or so, the medication has left my system, and I begin to feel the self-punishment start to happen. My thoughts began to race again, my sleep was all over the place, suicidal thoughts flooded in, and I began to shut down–shutting out the world, for my own cruel punishment. Of course, this always means I’m thinking only of my-self in these moments because, I don’t just punish myself, I end up punishing the ones around me, without thinking about the consequences of my own actions. In those moments, my focus is to hurt myself, as I will take risks that I normally wouldn’t, when on medication. With not thinking about my actions of my self-destruction, these risks might harm me but, they usually harm the ones I love and care about most.
And I wish I could tell you the last time I went off of my medication was years ago but, unfortunately I went off of my medication at the beginning of last year (2019), and did not go back on the medication until recently (May 2021).
On all my medication, regularly, I can find my Wise Mind, rather than fighting between my Emotional and Rational Mind. I can slowly find the “grey”/”colour” in the “black or white”. This is still not without using lots of learned skills, radical acceptance, and self-compassion. Self-compassion is very difficult for me to do, as many of my “stuck points” are around feeling worthless, and that I deserve to punish myself for things in and out of my control.
Using the photo to my (your) right, as someone with BPD, and mentioned above, I struggle with seeing/thinking everything in “black or white”, compared to those who do not have a diagnosed mental illness, who think more on a spectrum/able to find the grey.
All my negative self-beliefs have been long rooted thoughts, where I see myself as “bad”, resulting in the one of the extremes- black or white. When off of my medication, that feeling is fuelled. When on my medication, thoughts are quietly disrupted, when then I am able to make a choice regarding my actions.
. . .
Okay, after my little side rant, back to the basics- finding the right medication.
Finding the right medication is so important if you are to start taking medication for your mental health. When I was first starting on medication, I had to try a few different types of medication, as well as different amounts of milligrams per medication. It took me several years to find the right cocktail of medication that worked for me. This also meant seeing many different doctors; I saw a number of family doctors, psychologists, psychiatrists, before I found the right doctor who understood the type(s) of medication that would be right for me.
So– if you don’t have a accessible doctor, this might be tricky, but ask questions at a local walk-in if needed, they might steer you in the right direction.
Next, having a daily routine for taking your medication. Again, when I first started medication, remembering to take my medication each day, and around the same time every day was difficult, as it was something out of my routine at the time. I personally have tried taking them at different times during the day, to find out what time worked best/easiest for me to remember to take my medication each day. For myself, I even tried to taking half of my medication in the morning/before lunch, and the other half at night/a few hours before going to sleep. This did not work for me; what did work for me, to remember, was to take all my medication in the evening/before going to bed.
For yourself, you may need to try this [trying different times to take medication], and even setting alarms (i.e. on your cell phone) at the same time each day, to remind yourself to take your medication. I have also had to try setting alarms on my phone when getting back into a routine. This can be very annoying, hearing alarms go off every day, yet it is a great way to remind yourself, so you don’t have to set any alarms.
Finally, battling the stigma mental health medication has, and how it may effect your views on taking medication. Many people think that taking medication for your mental health is weak, or that it might “mess” with your chemical balance. For these types of statements, I cannot help but think about my side rant and, what I really would rather: being in a self-destruct bubble, feeling numb or, being in a neutral state where I could/can feel emotions, being able to use my Wise Mind?
I will (hate to) admit, taking my medication is the opposite of being weak– it’s being strong, being stronger than the mental illness. This is something everyone must come to on your own, I am still processing this. For you, you must choose to take the medication, if that is what is best for you.
. . .
As you may have read, medication and I have been on rocky roads since the beginning of starting them– yet, here I am spewing out how important it is to take medication.
I have learned this is one form of self care/self-compassion, that can be boring and underestimated, but so important to living a life worth living, to stopping self-destruction.
Until next time,
~ SJ
•feelings•are•not•facts• 