When You Don’t Plan To Live After A Certain Age— What Happens?
For me, I never really saw myself getting past the age of 19. I constantly felt like the world, the people in my life, would be better off without me. I constantly felt like a burden, and even so, that I would be better of dead.
Then came the age of 20, and my expiration date changed, and became 21/22 years old. I didn’t think I truly would make it to 22, as the feelings were just constant about how I/everyone would be better off. If anything, I always thought if I did “succeed” with any “plan”, that it would be a mistake, or even seen as an accident; One thing that always remained was that I never wanted to hurt anyone with my actions– suicidal/crisis/ etc. I didn’t really want people to have to see/hear about things that (could have) happened,
Here I am at 26…
I saw a future for myself for the longest time, and I kept thinking that I just need to make it there: I could imagine walking into the living room and seeing my [ex] partner, with our child, laughing and, thinking I am so grateful for them, and that I made it so far. That I am thankful for this moment, and love them both/all with every fibre of my being (whenever that may have been)…
Until, I mostly screwed that up, and now that the future I imagined seems to be gone…and now what?? With that future I saw fuzzy and fading away, what’s the plan now??
26 has not been easy.
I can say, I still have lots of irrational/intrusive thoughts that can keep me in bed for the day(s). Suicidal thoughts are still common as well, as many of my “stuck points” revolve around not being good enough/feeling like a burden/etc.. yet, these are all just thoughts and feelings, and as we know, feelings ARE NOT facts–facts are facts. I might have lots of things that have happened this year that feels like it has broken me, and I feel like this has been the most emotional growth I have done yet.
2021 has been emotionally exhausting, partially in a good way, as I have never felt my emotions/feelings so much then I have this year. I might have been sad a lot, yet being able to let myself cry has been a goal of mine for years.
Don’t get me wrong, I still don’t enjoy crying, and it sucks– but actually feeling my emotions has lead me to the end of 2021, so they can’t be that bad, right?
. . .
I have thought about making New Year Resolutions for 2022, like I [try to] do every year; this year though all I could hear in my head was something a counsellor I had, used to say to me:
“Just because it is a ‘New Year’ doesn’t mean it has to be your ‘new start’ to things in your life. Your ‘new start’ can start at any time of the year. Just think, we have a ‘new year’, a ‘new school year’, so why can’t you just start?”
So I will leave you with this to ponder: don’t focus on making New Year Resolutions, just start things when you are ready, start things when you want to, and start things you are uncomforta
Until next time,
~ S.J.
•feelings•are•not•facts• 